Depression

Here’s the number and link to The Samaritans UK

• From any phone just dial – 116 123
• https://www.samaritans.org

Here’s the details for 988 Lifeline in the US

• From any phone to call, text or chat, dial – 988
• https://998lifeline.org

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Andrew Writes:

Before I add my first track, the idea of this playlist, at least from my perspective, is not one to play if you’re looking to hide from your depression. There are plenty of playlists out there for when you want to up your mood and feel peppy. That’s not what this playlist is about. Everything I’ve ever read or studied about sadness and depression suggests sometimes it’s better to sit with it, to be with it.

The hope for this list is that by being with it, by experiencing the depression of the artist who’s creating it, it makes you feel better – at least it does for me. When I’m at the lowest of the low, it’s sad songs that I want to listen to. It’s sad songs that make me feel better. It’s sad songs that I can sob uncontrollably to, that I can relate to that make me feel not so alone.

This list, drawing from very different generations, creates many opportunities for touch points and connection.  To whoever is choosing to read and listen to this, we love you, and we hope you feel better soon.

Solitude Standing – Suzanne Vega

I deal with depression. It first manifested in my 20s, and at times it’s been brutal. The idea of musicto actually came from my lowest day, when I needed to call someone to stop myself from going to the top of the building and throwing myself off. The hold music on the line was awful.

Over the years it comes and goes, and I handle it the best I can. I’ve put good defenses in place: exercise, healthier eating, less drinking, yoga, meditation, creativity, and foundational human beings I work with. There are many things I do to combat it, but it still fucking gets me, and that’s so frustrating. It creeps up on me, seduces me, and before I know it, I’m wrapped in its embrace.

I’m starting the playlist with “Solitude Standing” by Susanne Vega. In my head, Solitude is my depression. When I’m down, when things aren’t going well, she’s so welcoming & it’s so easy to descend into her space. The line “I suddenly remember each time we met” is so true—she comes and goes, but she’s so familiar, and she’s absolutely fucking isolating when she takes me in her embrace. 

And there’s no happy ending to the track. There’s no “hey, you’re going to be Ok, you’ll get out of it” – people who espouse such platitudes clearly have no idea.  The song ends with how Depression begins:

“And she turns to me with her hand extended
Her palm is split, with a flower, with a flame“

I’m keeping my hands firmly in my pockets, for now.

Jake Writes:

Dear Agony – Breaking Benjamin 

That was an interesting pick, lyrically pretty haunting and descriptive yet musically bright in parts – but the looping feel of the whole song lingers longer than expected. And that’s what distinguishes depression from sadness. 

I won’t go too deep into my background, but I was diagnosed with depression at 14. It ruined some of the best years of my life, along with various friendships and relationships. I’m no expert on it, but maybe past experiences can seem somewhat relatable. A lot of my picks are rooted in metal/alt rock, but I’ll try to find some more subtle examples too. 

Breaking Benjamin were one of my favourite bands as a teenager, and they have a knack of portraying raw emotion pretty well. The lyrics are fairly easy to interpret. Having nothing left to give, feeling like you’re in a constant fight against yourself – or more so your mind. 

“Love pull me down, hate lift me up”

Depression had a strange way of making me feel comfortable with more negative emotions like hate, and more opposed to positive emotions like love. And yet, a deeper phase of it was to feel no attachment or desire to either emotion – “I feel nothing anymore.”

If depression is the problem, it’s easy to see suicide as the solution, which is what the lyrics hint at. I’ve been there, and when you’re so tunnel-visioned, it seems like the only answer. But I believe that anyone can beat it. It’s hard because as Andrew said earlier, part of overcoming it is to actually be with your emotions, to not shut them out or avoid bad feelings. They will come and go, but not if you try so hard to control it. 

You need belief and good people who will support you. If I had a message to anyone feeling depressed, it would be to reach out to someone you trust, and let them help. You’re not alone, and if you truly allow others to help, you can overcome it.

Fables – Yard Arms

I’m grinning as I write as I already know this playlist matters.  Regardless of whether anyone else listens / reads – it matters to me and I’m grateful for Jacob  🙂

Depression’s ability to warp the reality field is just – mental – to suppress societal norms – to subtly move you further away from other people – to leave you isolated and at the mercy of your worst voices.  And yet – to Jacob’s point that you’re not alone – that reaching out and asking for help can save you…

What if you don’t believe that?  What if you believe that there’s no one who can save you – what if you believe that by revealing who you are – they’ll disown you – be repelled by you – will want nothing to do with you?  What if your mind has already assessed the behavior that will help and rejected it?!  What then?

It’s a fucking terrible catch-22.  When you’re in it everything is distorted – all roads lead to annihilation – yet in recovery it’s easy to see the right path – the challenge is – how to shift one’s perception so the answer can be seen?

And I don’t have the answer to that.  I know that I go through cycles at different frequencies and intensities and I don’t know when it is exactly that I pull out – & while I know the behaviors associated with the recovery – it’s just I can’t tell you how I make the transition.

So when I’m in it – it’s tracks like Fables that get me – huge anthemic pieces that I can get lost in – with choruses that speak to a longing for a brighter future – just one that isn’t here – yet…

It Never Ends – Bring Me The Horizon 

It’s not often you hear that type of song from a relatively unknown two-piece indie band, so that was quite refreshing to hear! 

It’s easy for me to comment now because I’ve come out the other side – yet like Andrew mentioned, you never really believe that you can (or maybe you feel like you don’t even want to). It’s hard because when you’re depressed, you focus on the bad parts of yourself, so giving up feels like the easier option. 

I chose this song because of the raw emotion, the expression of hopelessness and pain. Although Oli Sykes wrote this about his drug addiction, I think you can interpret it for multiple issues. 

“Everything I loved, became everything I lost” – this was the biggest sign, I stopped enjoying the things I used to, my friendships broke down and I felt alone, even though in reality I wasn’t. 

Andrew made a great point, about having the shift in perspective. Personally that was the key for me, but it took time. I had to be honest, challenge my thoughts and beliefs, essentially re-condition my way of thinking. 

“I say, this is a war” – that’s what it feels like. There’s no obvious path to victory, and it will last longer than you expect. You just have to keep fighting, because one day you’ll come out the other side and realise how valuable life can be. 

(Side-note: as a drummer, I massively admire Matt Nicholls’ playing on this. To the point where I daren’t attempt to learn it!) 

Armour – Tanya Ransom

I mean, it’s just the raw energy of bands like Bring Me The Horizon. You’re right – whatever Matt Nicholls is playing on this, it’s just insane. I agree that – even if this was about drug addiction, the great thing about songs is that the listener can hear what they need to hear – it’s why songs are so brilliant.

I’m sure Tanya was writing about a relationship but I’m going to continue anthropomorphizing depression as a character. And in this context – you have to fight it as if you’re at war – because at times it can feel like literal life or death.

And I love how she has no platitudes, that she doubts herself and her ability to win, and yet – it’s one of those hopeful tracks.  It puts the onus firmly on herself to make it – and by the end – you’re pretty sure she will.

Oh and – to the drummer in Jacob – I always hoped they’d do a version of this with a drummer – that middle section could. be explosive!

Dead Boys – Sam Fender 

Honestly, I’m not big brain enough to understand words like anthropomorphizing, but I love the analogy. And I have to agree with Andrew – a little part of me dies when I don’t hear a big smashy-smashy bit in that kind of song. 

That said, I enjoyed it – I think being willing to fight depression is essential. It’s easy for it to grind you down, to let it take you. But you will beat it. You have the power to change your life, you just have to start moving in the right direction – to start fighting. Because depression can lead to something worse. 

The mental health crisis is no secret anymore, with suicide being the leading killer of under 35’s, and men under 50 in the UK. Sam Fender addressed this on his debut album with the song “Dead Boys.” 

“We all tussle with the black dog, some out loud and some in silence” 

Sometimes it’s noticeable, sometimes it hides away. But the more you hold it back, or feel unable to open up, the worse it gets. There’s not loads to the song, but he does a good job of capturing the sombreness of the subject. 

It’s alarming to see the statistics, yet they are largely forgotten or overlooked by people. It’s taboo, and I hope that what we’re doing here can at least raise some awareness of the situation. 

It’s Thunder and It’s Lightning – We Were Promised Jetpacks

My dad died ten years ago this month – he was a lovely human being and I miss him.  Most of my ethics and morality come from him and I was blessed to grow up in such a supportive and loved environment.  As an obstetrician he delivered thousands of babies through his career and would often reflect that no child is born a racist, or with hate or with any of traits that we find in unhappy adults.  While genetics may shape the vessel we inhabit – it’s the environment that programs most of what we become.

I chose this track because of the musical association – the guitar riff connects the two tracks – but it’s the relationship between depression and its root causes that I find fascinating.  Sam Fender throws a light on the terrifying rates of suicide in our younger generations but where is it coming from – how is this happening?  There’s no doubt genetics play a part – depression runs in my family and while my brother and sister seem to have dodged it, I along with a couple of cousins didn’t – and our childhood and experiences of growing up were pretty good.  

But – as with our potentially racist babies, environment absolutely plays its part and what’s even less looked at – hidden behind closed doors and drawn curtains – is the domestic abuse that will go on to shape a life filled with depression.  It’s hard for me to imagine what it’s like to be beaten as a child – as a teenager – to experience home as a place of violence and fear.  It’s not hard to imagine how those physical signs – the black and blue body – eventually get integrated to a black and blue soul.

Atlas – Parkway Drive

I have to thank Andrew for being so open there. There’s so much to discuss around depression, but we rarely say these things because it’s not “the norm.”

Once again, my small brain didn’t know what an obstetrician was – but now I know it translates to “ A Legend.” 

It scares me to think about losing my parents (given the high likelihood most of us will outlive them) and I can’t imagine how hard it would be. But equally, there is so much to value from a good upbringing.

I’m genuinely thankful for my morals and my upbringing, because without that I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate what I have. But regardless of who you are  and what you’ve been through, you have a choice. 

You can choose hate because it’s what you’ve known, seen or experienced, because it’s easy to act on feelings of anger. Or you can choose love, even if you don’t get it in return, even if it’s the harder choice. But by doing that, you create a better environment, you pass it onto others and then in time, you reap the rewards of making a better world. It’s the butterfly effect.

This song always gets me, through the power, the lyrics, the strings. The worst thing about depression was the emptiness – when you drown in Nihilism and you’re just numb to things. But still, there’s beauty in this dark song.

Sleeping Pills – The London Suede

There’s beauty in the track indeed – the melodic construction – the gorgeous string section – the lyrical message – the nihilism – all rendered in screamo – and for one of the first times – I get the vocal delivery.  Screamo wasn’t a thing when I grew up and like my dad and his dad before him – I didn’t understand some of the music my kids listened to – but as I’ve learned – the more you listen – the more everything makes sense and I have no doubt if this was around when I was falling to pieces in my teens – I’d have loved it!

The more I listen to the lyrics the more it’s the dissolution of a lead singer of a rock band falling to pieces on the road – I’ve done a little bit of that life and it can get disorienting pretty quickly – what looks amazing to outside eyes becomes internally destructive and – as has always been the way – chemicals are a super attractive solution.

Of course, you don’t have to be a rock star to use – to use things to help.  Alcohol is a great depressant – coke, speed, & E keep you up – acid and shrooms take you on journeys but it’s the ones that just shut you down – smack – pills – that – I just never “got.” But it’s clear they work for people – when your life is shit and unliveable – why be there when a substance can take you out and give you peace for a certain amount of time.

I always adored Brett Anderson’s lyric:

“Angel, give me your sleeping pills
You don’t need them
Give me the time they kill”

But that seems so hard to do – even for the ones you love…

The Way I Am – Staind 

What a great choice, I’m a metalhead at heart but I love Suede! Best britpop band 😉 

I second Andrew’s thoughts – this can happen to anyone. Chris Cornell and Chester Bennington were both idolised, amazing humans and look what happened. Depression doesn’t discriminate, and that’s why we need to support people regardless of their situation. 

I felt like I had to pick a Staind song eventually. Although fairly simple, it’s different in that I feel it has multiple meanings. 

One is staying authentic, in defiance of a system/society that’s designed to make people into robots without encouraging any independent thought or individual practicality. In a world that wants you to be everything, the best thing you can be is yourself.

Another is the person themselves being overly stubborn and stuck in their ways, refusing to change bad habits or damaging perspectives, blaming external sources without having the courage to be the change you want to see. 

When I was depressed, I was very much like the latter more than the former. I’d like to think that since then, I’ve adopted a better attitude to life. That’s not to say I don’t have bad days, and that shit doesn’t happen, but I don’t let it paralyse me like it used to. 

Still, there will be people that try and drag you down, to sabotage your character and  destroy everything about you that makes you great. So I like to think of this track as a “f**k you” to all the naysayers. Everything you’ve needed to succeed has always been within you. 

Human – Civil Twilight

This one took me a while – no particular reason – life just does its thing sometimes and yet – we’re so conditioned to how humans react that we interpret the randomness as intent and – man – if we could just put a big fucking neon sign up that says: “I’m not interacting right now so don’t infer anything from my existence” – how fucking cool would that be?

I’ve been listening to the Staind track for weeks – it’s the way I am – yep – I get that – but there’s a certain defiance about it – and – dare I say –  a certain defensiveness – it’s like – I’m like this – it’s the way I am – so fucking deal with it motherfucker – I can’t “Help” it…

And yes – that’s cool – so long as the way you are isn’t a dick – ‘cos there are assholes that use that to the detriment of others – and fuck them – fuck them and their egos.

But Staind have a point.  It’s just the way I am – well – who gets to determine that?  Your genes – your parents – your 4th year crush or 6th year bully – your academic or sexual performance – which ones make the difference?

Maybe AI will gather the data – analyze the variables and come up with an answer – but – maybe – hopefully – we’re still too fucking complex – too complex to be reverse engineered for profit.  

I was making a playlist with Joshua from the UAE – we’d ventured into deep territory and he came up with this track – I fell in love immediately.

Depression – fuck it.  Are we born with it – do we inherit it – do we learn it or practice it or fucking revel in it?  I don’t know.

But it sure feels human.

Vermillion Pt.2 – Slipknot 

That’s a beautiful song. And I often find the darker, sadder songs have the most beauty in them. 

“It’s all the things you can’t explain, that make us human.” If a child asked you to explain depression to them, how would you? Even everything we’ve said so far, it’s all contextual and subjective – we’re just hoping to make it relatable. 

How depression occurs is an interesting concept. I sometimes wonder if I inherited it from my granddad, who has always had a very old-school, British defeatist attitude towards things. But then it only really kicked in when I hit 13/14. I wonder if it was my environment, my nature, and if it was inevitable or not. But like everything, it’s temporary. I can’t give an exact date to when it came and went. It was a rough timeframe, but I didn’t hate every single second of however long that was, because it comes and goes. Many people can seem fine at times, but depression can lurk below.

This song kinda hits home. It reminds me of a girl I spoke to online far too much during my teenage years, and never got to meet her. It left me with more questions than answers, and messed me up mentally. I haven’t had a relationship since – if you can even call that one. Again, it’s a song that can refer to different things, not just people but emotions, addictions…

That coincided with my depression, but the thing I eventually learned is that you cannot rely solely on others. 

Still, I think love is finding someone who believes in you more than you do. 

But a lack of belief in yourself makes it difficult for others to love you at times. The more I think about it, that’s why I became depressed. I had people who believed in me, but I failed to believe in myself. 

I could go deeper into all that, but I guess what I’m saying is, if you truly can’t believe in yourself, try to believe in others. Because everyone needs it. And one day, you might find someone who believes in you. Maybe they’ll show you how to believe in yourself. 

Só Sei Dançar Com Você – Tulipa Ruiz, Zé Pi

Ahhh dude – relationships – how fucking weird are they – I’m in my sixth decade and still working at it.  I’ve been married for almost 24 years, in the relationship of my life – and we still fuck it up ;-p

“I think love is finding someone who believes in you more than you do“

That has been my experience ;-p  Yet also – you have to believe in them more than they do too – it has to be reciprocal – not transactional – but equitable. 

“If you truly can’t believe in yourself, try to believe in others.”

I like this – even though it’s kinda fucked up, but – maybe right now you can’t receive it – maybe right now you’re working shit out and don’t need external input.  So what do you do with the excess energy – the love?  Why not choose to believe in someone else – someone who will benefit from your love and attention?  Believing in others is a brilliant place to start.

As for Slipknot – I did not know they had tracks like this.  I was dumbed by the clown masks and the attitude and the theatre and pageantry – but this is great – that final chorus with the three different patterns – I mean – that’s fucking songwriting – ;-ppppp

So I’m going with a glimpse of love – (it’s in portuguese but you can copy the song title, pop it in the Ai and get the translation) – I adore this song – not least for its perfect introduction – but even without knowing the words – I understand the song – the harmonies – the different takes on the same thing – only differentiated by gender – and it’s so sombre – the playing with the major and minor keys – this track sees the potential but ends with ambiguity.  Ring any bells?

Dead inside – Muse

I have to say fair play Andrew – that’s dedication! Shit happens inevitably, but the steely persistence of commitment is something that’s become increasingly important I believe. I think that’s the key – “not transactional” – in the age of transactions. 

Also, it’s kinda ironic but I’ve found that some of the best ballads/softer songs come from heavy bands – Slipknot, Avenged Sevenfold, Staind, some of Trent Reznor’s compositions etc. 

When you’re a metalhead, you kinda get used to not quite making out lyrics on first listen, so you just have to let the music do the talking. That song kinda pulls you both ways and leaves you not knowing what to feel – as life often can. But there’s something interesting in that – musically speaking. 

I think we’re pretty good at seeing the potential in others, but fail to see it in ourselves, which compounds negative self esteem. That imbalance is seemingly everywhere for me – when I was younger, the only people you compared yourself to were your classmates. But now, you don’t even have to leave the house and you’re flooded with a feed of people who are fitter, funnier, sexier, smarter, richer and more popular than you could ever hope to be. 

It’s pretty depressing. And although I said about trying to believe in others in the previous text, eventually, you do need that self-belief. There’s no easy solution, but the first thing we should do is give ourselves a f**cking break and stop being so hard and negative towards ourselves. Think about the difference in how you treat your friends to how you treat yourself, and you’ll probably notice some differences immediately. 

If you took away all the noise, if you stopped worrying about what you’re not good at and focused on your talents, acknowledged your achievements and didn’t just dismiss them all. If you could see yourself as a  friend would see you, I think we’d all be a little kinder to ourselves. Sure, we can always be better, and there will always be someone who you perceive as being “better.” But ask yourself this; when will you be enough? 

Anyways, I chose this one because although it’s between two people, depression looms large lyrically. Once again, what looks pretty on the outside can differ from what’s within.

Sorry – Nothing But Thieves

Muse are amazing – their music – musicianship – the stories – the whole operatic envelopment of it – it’s like they make me feel good to feel bad – I love it ;-p  But Dead Inside – the disaster of a failed duality – man that sucks – it sucks hard.

I think we give each other too much permission too early – certainly when it comes to romantic relationships – I mean – all the great songs reflect this.

But I also think we’re not open enough when it comes to making connections – revealing ourselves.  

Is there a balance? Can you reveal yourself and not act on it?

Dead Inside scares me – even if there is your white knight – they’ll trick you and fuck you up – nothing you can do about it.

I almost prefer Nothing But Thieves’s framing, where – ultimately – we only have ourselves to blame.

Where does our failing start?

How does that happen?

Why is it that some people don’t have to “deal” with it and some do?

I suspect there’s more of us than them.

In the meantime, 

I’m sorry.

Sleep Token – Damocles 

Nothing But Thieves! This is very up my street. Brilliant band, just as good live too. And if that song doesn’t resonate with you, I don’t know what will. We’ve all done bad things, and probably still will at times. But we aren’t programmed to be perfect either. 

All we can do is try and make better choices, day by day. Yeah there’s gonna be good days and bad days, but over a long enough timeline, that’s how we grow. 

There’s so many people and external circumstances we can blame, it’s almost instinctual. But to really look in the mirror – or in the Buddhist sense “within” – that’s the hard part. 

The good news is that this is the part you can control. Emotions are beyond our control, actions (and reactions) are not. This is one of the key lessons I had to learn the hard way, but it’s arguably the one that’s improved my mental state the most. Depression made me feel powerless more than anything, but I don’t believe we’re condemned to fate. 

As for my next song, I’ll go with the band of the moment – Sleep Token. 

Not to be one of those people, *but*, I LOVED THEM BEFORE THEY GOT BIG. Me and a friend saw them in a 600 cap room on their second album tour, and the next time we saw them they were playing arenas. But I said then – these are gonna be the next big thing. Mind you, I didn’t think they’d blow up this quick. 

According to the internet, this is a real marmite song – a flop or a masterpiece. Personally, (although I’m biased), I think this is really intelligent, self-aware songwriting that’s been made into a pop song. Do I care that it’s a pop song? No. Because to me, it’s still a great song. 

Some of the lyrics in this really illustrate that inner battle that (as Andrew hinted) many of us will go through to some extent. Such is the nature of humanity. 

Ruby – Foster The People

“Emotions are beyond our control, actions (and reactions) are not.” – I mean – dude – that’s the million dollar construct isn’t it?  I’d like to believe it – I do believe it now – kinda – but I still find myself acting in a way that is detrimental to my “self” and I’m like – WTF! Andrew – what are you doing – you know this is dumb shit and you’re doing it anyway!

The rehab centers are full of people who have accepted that they have no control over their actions and are looking for help – and I’m here for that – but forgive me – I feel like, if I cross that line – I’m screwed.

I like Marmite – I like this song – pop songs are pop for a reason – they’re so fucking accessible – and hey – if a spoonful of sugar pop helps the message go down then – bring it!

So I’m coming back with more piano pop – I have this track on quite a few lists – mostly ‘cos I just adore it – but also ‘cos it speaks to me so hard.

I’m lucky – I get to be married to exactly the right person for me.  It’ll sound odd but – we’ve got to the point where – if she sees my depression kicking in –  she’ll nip it in the bud – and you know how she does it?  Not all soft and caring and understanding and “hey babe – I’ve got you” – no ;-p  It’s hard to put into words as those can be taken out of context – but it’s a tough response.  Caring as fuck but with zero tolerance – and guess what – it works!

Sometimes tough love is exactly what is needed.  The rehab centers operate on a zero bullshit structure – it’s the only way to get people to stop lying – to get them to stop lying to themselves.  I might get a day or two of self induced self indulgence – but I get the mirror held up to my face pretty quickly after that – and guess what – this last decade (give or take the odd falling off the cliff ;-p) I’m the happiest I’ve ever been.

Jesus Christ – Brand New 

Exactly – though I say that, I’m very hypocritical still, even today I’ve been making bad decisions that I knew were bad even before I made them. I think it’s a self-worth thing, because if that implicated anyone else, I wouldn’t have acted that way. We can be our own worst enemies. I think I probably need the tough love, for someone to call out my bullshit. 

On a brighter note, this is a great song I should’ve heard but somehow haven’t. Another one of those bands that I haven’t sat down and listened to, and now I realise I should’ve 🙂 I appreciate the openness and their courage to write about things that most indie pop bands wouldn’t touch. 

It seems like the person in the song is not only trapped by internal depression but also by external circumstances.

It’s actually why (currently) I really don’t want to accumulate too many responsibilities because I see how it weighs people down. I mean, I think you have to commit to anything that’s worth doing, but it’s those unwanted responsibilities that can get on top of you.

I think when you have kids, you can only really influence them so much. It’s that thing of feeling powerless when so many things are out of your control. 

We all have days where we don’t wanna get out of bed, but that was every day when I was depressed. I actually feel guilty looking back because of the mental toll it must have taken on my mom in particular. You don’t really see much outside of yourself at the time, but seeing as my mom was always the supportive one, she never really had that support herself. It doesn’t seem fair. 

The song starts to illustrate things from a mother’s point of view, and I can’t imagine how difficult that must be to navigate. But I think that’s line sums it up “she don’t know what to do, she’s got everything and nothing to lose”

Anyways, speaking of having one track on many lists, this next one has infested mine. 

I’m briefly aware of the controversy with the singer, so it’s not to say that he might have made bad choices and I don’t condone any of that – but this song really cuts through for me.

Not only is it clever, but it uses the guitar as a hook and constantly builds in tension, feel and story. The existentialism, the trust issues, the guilt, the lack of self worth – it hits all that shit I keep inside. 

It’s one of those songs that I’d kill to be able to write. 

Come Pick Me Up – Ryan Adams

What a great song!  So seductively simple and yes – so clever.  I love the vocal phrasing – so unique and what a way to set up emphasis – yeah – I can see why you dig it ;-p  And that lovely little break at 4 ½ minutes – just to catch your attention and make sure you’re still listening – I appreciate that ;-p

As for problematic artists – yeah – I’ve struggled with that over the years but – I’ve ultimately ended up separating the art from the artist.  In the same way that a song can mean different things to different people – why not the same for the artist.  I don’t condone the behavior, but for art I fell in love with before I knew there was a problem – I’m taking a pass ;-p

Apparently Ryan Adams hasn’t been a paragon of virtue in the gender “wars” but I still adore this track.  Supposedly about the aftermath of a break up – I place it firmly in the self destructive phase of depression.  There’s a masochistic element to the track that my darkness relates to – I mean – if I think I’m worthless then screw it – let’s take the meatsock out for a spin and really fuck it up.  

Also – nihilism is fun when there’s two of you – up to a point…  

Right Where It Belongs – Nine Inch Nails 

I’ve never been big on country music – sure a bit of Bob Dylan and Johnny Cash, but this is quite clever. 

I like how it’s seems very bitter, and yet it’s delivered with a light defeatism, that weird kind of acceptance that comes with depression. Letting go and surrendering. And ironically, sometimes this is what we need. When you hit fuck it, you start seeing things more clearly. The danger comes when you surrender to your own self-hatred, and let the voice in your head take over completely.

In reality, it’s the thoughts that you want to let go of, even if you can’t prevent them arising in the first place.  

This song I’ve picked is a nice contrast to that – instead of letting go, it’s about gripping too tight. It’s one of my favourite songs I’ve discovered this year, after digging a bit deeper into the NIN discography. 

It’s philosophical, it’s literal, it’s social commentary, it makes you really question how you’re living life. In a world that makes you believe that you should have everything in place, that everything needs to be ordered and optimised for you to be happy. 

We trap ourselves by picking the safe route, by doing the things we’re expected to do. We work jobs we hate to buy things we don’t need to impress people we don’t like. I’d tell you where I got that from, but I’m not supposed to talk about it 😉

We pass it off and go through the motions like it’s no big thing, until one day, you realise that you’ve been afraid to look at yourself in the mirror, because the person staring back at you has become an alien. 

But the one that really sums up depression for me is “You can live in this illusion, you can choose to believe, you keep looking but you can’t find the woods, when you’re hiding in the trees.” 

(I linked the live version because I think the video really illustrates this song)

Winter – Tori Amos

Nine Inch Nails are another band that I’ve just never spent much time with and yet, every time I hear them I generally love the music.  Trent Reznor is another savant – his soundtrack for the Social Network with Atticus Ross is genius and you get a sense of that here with the unnerving white noise background.

And yes – I won’t talk about “it” either ;-p but this idea that we’re sleepwalking to our death – caught up in commerce and status and pointless acquisition – feels very apropos. While the world has spent the last twenty years looking at itself – you’d think we’d be getting bored of it by now – at least we should be able to detect that having shit isn’t quite what it’s made out to be.

With my last track I’m tearing back the external layers and going all the way back to childhood – to where it all starts.  I don’t know why this track popped into my head – maybe the pianos made the connection – but I remember listening to it around the time my depression started to appear.

The track is ostensibly a love letter to a parent and yet I think it reflects the relationship I’ve always had with my inner voice:

“When you gonna love you as much as I do?”

‘cos I think that’s it.

It’s hard to be depressed when you love yourself, but sometimes – it just isn’t there – somehow separated – obfuscated by shame and guilt and a myriad of made up nonsense that continues to fuck me up – even today.

But I’m working on it – I’m keeping good habits and doubling down on the antidote.

You see – of all the things I have done to deal with Depression – believing & investing in people has been the only one that truly works.  

I’ve found that by giving my time, by actively supporting, encouraging, and mentoring others, I create relationships that keep me grounded, that keep me on the planet, and that keep a steady flow of love coming back into me.

Because while I still struggle to love myself, receiving love from others sure as hell helps.

I’m Low On Gas And You Need A Jacket – Pierce The Veil

What a question…

I think that’s a huge thing – not seeing ourselves the way others see us, particularly, our friends and family. Because I think everyone has someone they see in a light that shines so brightly, they can’t describe. I see my mom as an indestructible rock, my dad as a leader and someone I will likely never surpass, my brother as the cool, calm & better-looking alternative of me.

Though they likely see me in a more positive light, I have a negativity bias toward myself, but that’s probably quite normal. Ultimately, I don’t think it’s about how you see yourself because no matter how many things I may or may not achieve, there’s always gonna be the nagging voice in the back of my head that doesn’t believe I’m good enough, or that I should be better. I think it’s more about how the people you care about see you. As a good rule of thumb, if you wouldn’t take advice from someone, don’t take criticism from them. 

Still, when it’s you vs you (which, is all life is in reality), you have to learn to be kinder to yourself. Remember how you treat your friends, and try to apply some of that to the man in the mirror. Obviously it’ll never be the same, but if you wouldn’t beat a friend up when they’re down, why do that to yourself? Have a shower, go for a walk, watch a movie, whatever – listen to this playlist – and come back stronger tomorrow. 

It’s been an honor to do this and whilst it seems quite a casual thing collabing on a playlist, I think this one feels a bit more significant due to the subject matter. But music should hit you wherever you feel it most, and this playlist has certainly done that. I hope everyone else can use this to help them, because quite frankly, therapy is too bloody expensive and so music has been my therapy tool. 

But don’t suffer in silence. There are people you can speak to, and people who care about you. I was 15 and I thought the music and sheer willpower alone could beat it, but I couldn’t have overcome it without help from the people closest to me. Alternatively, please use one of the resources we’ve attached above depending on your location. 

So, to round this off, I thought I’d also go back and pick a track that soundtracked my life at the time. While it’s not directly about depression, there’s enough lyrical hints and the whole vibe of this track speaks louder than its individual parts. If I had a time machine, I’d go back ten years, put my arm round the kid who was probably listening to this way past his bedtime, and tell him that whatever happens, he’ll get through it. He’ll find a way, because when you truly block out all the noise and the voices, you see that life, for all its downsides, is fundamentally worth living. 

Then I’d tell him to sort out his sleep and stop living off a diet of Walkers Spicy Mix-Ups and Nutella toast. At least put some banana on it lad…

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Here’s the number and link to The Samaritans UK

• From any phone just dial – 116 123
• https://www.samaritans.org

Here’s the details for 988 Lifeline in the US

• From any phone to call, text or chat, dial – 988
• https://998lifeline.org

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Track Listing

• Solitude Standing – Suzanne Vega
• Dear Agony – Breaking Benjamin
• Fables – Yard Arms
• It Never Ends – Bring Me The Horizon
• Armour – Tanya Ransom
• Dead Boys – Sam Fender
• It’s Thunder and It’s Lightning – We Were Promised Jetpacks
• Atlas – Parkway Drive
• Sleeping Pills – The London Suede
• The Way I Am – Staind
• Human – Civil Twilight
• Vermilion, Pt. 2 – Slipknot
• Só Sei Dançar Com Você – Tulipa Ruiz
• Dead Inside – Muse
• Sorry – Nothing But Thieves
• Damocles – Sleep Token
• Ruby – Foster The People
• Jesus Christ – Brand New
• Come Pick Me Up – Ryan Adams
• Right Where It Belongs – Nine Inch Nails
• Winter (2015 Remaster) – Tori Amos
• I’m Low On Gas And You Need A Jacket – Pierce The Veil

Playlist Image by GPT