I find the beauty of this poignant track mesmerizing.
My mind has been writing this post for a couple of days, letting my soul filter everything the track can awaken inside myself and my current stage to manage to portray with my words a mixture of both the music's unique and beautiful energy and my life's unique experience.
And it came to me that grief is one of the energies that fit this track nicely.
Such a complex lesson, that of grief, such a difficult and unexpected, non-linear road.
Such a difficult situation having to accept the physical disappearance of your loved ones.
I've seen my loved ones appear and reappear in my dreams this year. And I've had to relive their sickness and decay, over and over.
My soul has shown me that my body and my mind have failed to completely understand and process their departure. In some dreams I had acknowledged it, but in others they fall sick again and I suffer greatly, yet again, the process, even recognizing the previous pain as if it has happened already.
I wonder if it's their departure the biggest of my unfinished acceptances, or is it their sickness and decay, or is it the pain of having to endure seeing them wither away like flowers and not being able to understand that I would never see them again with these physical eyes.
It is particularly hard for me to let go, I have made a great effort to learn to completely live in the present but sometimes it's still difficult to accept what is already behind me, sometimes I just don't know how to do it, I think. I kept thinking I had done it and my mind kept showing me otherwise in my dreams.
But grief is a non-linear journey into acceptance, so maybe I just did, and again didn't, maybe I just needed to let myself cry a bit more, I remember I once was told during therapy that it was never going to stop hurting, I somehow always knew, deep down, as I also knew that the pain changed myself not only from that moment, but from all the moments before it, beyond time.
Maybe it's also just this month, the one which has the strongest and closest bonds with our deceased and their energy. Maybe they connected with me as their current selves, to let me know they're here, and I just associated them with the past and their demise. Maybe the acceptance I need to have right now is to stop associating them with their disease and their past physical pain. Maybe that's it.
In my latest dreams I never saw my father as in other recent dreams, having to suffer the diagnosis and facing the fear of the disease again, so maybe that's progress. I did see my dog as an elder and revived his disease, I did recall the two recent deaths during the dream and suffered to come to terms with having to deal with another one again, as if he wasn't the one who had already died. Their deaths feel recent to me, and in the dream they felt even closer in time.
Acceptance of the lack of acceptance brings more peace, acknowledging the ups and downs and realizing it's ok to not be ok with death from time to time feels like the best possible step. Accepting and embracing oneself for not being or feeling ideal, honoring pain as a necessary part of the journey and letting tears flow, everytime they need to.
And accepting that love never goes away, and never needs to, and that in our present selves there's always the immortality of the permanent, non changing infinity, the bond that connects all beyond life and death, a bright spark of love that binds us and lights up our hearts to be able to beat. And so we mourn again, and again, and every single time it is needed, until our bodies grow in acceptance, and allow us to let go the part of themselves we need to let go and the part of themselves we need to accept in the present.
Loving them until the end.
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About the Curator - Henry Gonzalez
Musician from Colombia, constantly inspired and moved by music and trying to express it in the best way posible, trying to find common souls who get as transformed by music and sound as he does.
Music can be a spiritual experience, you just have to find the right one.