Today has been a nice day.
I woke up far too late and gave myself a bit of grief for that, but once I was up and alive I felt in much better space than I have done in a long time.
I really feel like I’m moving along the right track. Sometimes when you take on a challenge or decide on a major life decision, it’s easy to feel like you’ve made the wrong decision, even when you’re already a considerable ways down the path. When I decided to actually pursue my goals in a meaningful way, and stop listening to negativity and the voices of people who don’t think it’s a good idea (what kind of voice says that anyway?), I inevitably added another brand of pressure to the ever-growing to-do list of worries.
When you choose to go directly against conventional wisdom (or conventional stupidity), you open yourself to the cutting blade of ‘I told you so’ if things don’t work out according to plan. People like to channel their frustrations and regrets in all kinds of ways, and the fields of ambition are fertile grounds for sowing such misery. You could say that it’s best to keep your ambitions to yourself and let the results do the talking, which is fine for the most part, but there are always going to be certain actors in your life to whom even those early machinations will be subject to scrutiny.
So I’ve felt pressure lately.
The pressure of impending change, the pressure of being able to insulate against its destructive wake, the pressure of not knowing whether what I’ve built so far can weather such devastation.
The idea of having something beautiful and profoundly yours ripped away from you is probably the one thing that terrifies anyone in my position more than anything else, because you dared to break that most sacred of laws in opting out of a certain proscribed way of living. In the back of your mind, you’re always kind of feeling like you’re ‘getting away’ with something every single day the world doesn’t come crashing down around your ears.
But today wasn’t one of those days.
Today was a day of comfort, of warmth; existential warmth — psychological cosiness. Today I felt like the things that I’m working on, the choices I’ve made, they’re working towards fruition. Today the ground felt more stable than it has done probably since I started on this road. Today I felt like I was allowed to pursue the life that I want.
These peaceful moments (see how I did the thing with the song name and… you get it) are fleeting and beautiful, and I know full well there’s going to be all kinds of bullshit down the road to deal with. A small part of me is scared to even post this little mental excursion, in case the universe is reading and fancies a bit of a laugh. But I’m very well aware that my ability to influence the future is limited to the energy I manifest, and if that isn’t the wankiest thing I’ll ever write then what the bloody hell kind of shite do I plan on writing in the future?
I’m taking today as a win. I’m taking my ability to surround myself with the things, people and ideas that bring positivity to my life as a win. I’m taking the fact I’ve listened to this track basically all day as a win. And most of all, I’m taking my decision to follow my own compass as a win as well.
Remind me of this next time I’m being a miserable bastard will ye?
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About the curator - Matt Jenko
Hi my name is Matt, but my friends call me Matt. I’m on the wrong side of 29 (damn I hate it every time I have to update that number), definitely feeling my age, but never felt happier and more content than I do at this point in my life. I’ve been through some rocky patches (who hasn’t) and lived to tell the tale, and boy do I gots some stories.
When I’m not giving opinions absolutely nobody asked for, I’m doing a worldbuilding with my passion project, vivaellipsis. If you like offbeat nonsense delivered through immersive escapism, then go and get involved. Or don’t, I’m not telling you what to do. I’m not yer boss.
I’m a simple man with simple interests. I like Yorkshire tea, the sound of rain on the window, and a bloody good story.
9 August 2021
What today’s insight has granted me is the knowledge that if you don’t check in on yourself, you’ll lose touch with yourself. You’ll become unfamiliar with each other, and it feels very strange. I honestly think this is what it means to feel out of sorts.
27 May 2021
The cinematic score to your psychological journey with Matt Jenko. Featuring artists like: Bonobo • Yotto • Emancipator • CamelPhat • ODESZA • Carpenter Brut • Tinlicker • Four Tet • Jacques Greene • Tchami • RÜFÜS DU SOL