When I think about what I want in life, it all points toward quite a simple vision really. I think getting this pinned down has been one of the main reasons why I felt so lost throughout my late teens and early twenties, and even more recently, the vision has taken it’s bloody time in coming into focus.
When I examine my motivation behind so many of the things I’ve done throughout the years, it can almost always be attributed to gaining some kind of validation. I felt like I wanted to be a musician in order to play shows to crowds of people and in that way prove that I was somebody. I feel like I’ve grown a lot in the last couple of years or so, to the point where, for the most part, I’ve learnt to accept validation from myself, so that I seek external validation very rarely. I do still dip sometimes and succumb to external needs, but after all humans are social animals, and I like to think that I qualify as one of those.
It would still be very nice to be able to play shows to people, but I’m coming at it from a different angle, where it’s more about creating an experience for other people to enjoy, rather than fulfilling my own psychological needs. Taking Matt out of vivaellipsis with the inclusion of characters and otherworldly narratives went a long way in this, and I think it’s a natural progression that needed to happen on the road to my own self-actualisation, which is kind of ironic when you think about it. But who doesn’t love a good bit of irony ey?
I think what I’m trying to say is that I’ve come to a point where I’m striving for a much different kind of lifestyle than the one I thought I wanted for the longest time. I feel like I can find a huge amount of happiness in feeling accomplished, in doing work that I feel is worthwhile and that benefits other people as well as myself. I don’t want to be a vapid icon, I want to be a source of inspiration and encouragement to the people around me — while the pursuit of fame doesn’t necessarily inevitably lead to the former, there’s definitely a suspiciously high level of comorbidity. I’m glad I decided to change tracks and see where other roads lead instead.
The particular road I see myself on leads to a nice little house. Somewhere out in the countryside, with the kinds of neighbours who couldn’t give two tosses whether you’re a rock star or a rock gardener, so long as you’re friendly and lend them the hedge strimmer from time to time. I still don’t know where this house is — maybe it’s on a vineyard in the south of France or California, or maybe it’s in the snowy foothills of Finland or Switzerland. Maybe it’s even here, in merry ol’ England. I’m not sure it even matters.
What matters is this: it’s a particular kind of day, the kind where the rain is coming down heavy, but it’s alright because I’m sat on the deck outside and it’s keeping the rain off. There’s a nice wood burner keeping the place warm, and maybe I’m reading a book, or doing a bit of painting (wanker), or maybe just sitting and enjoying the ambience. Maybe my wife is there, or maybe she’s not all that fond of the rain herself. Maybe we didn’t even decide to get married, but really, that’s a digression. The dog is definitely there, on their little bed by the side of the sofa (is it decadent to have an outdoor sofa?), doin a dreamin about dog things, and in all, the whole image is just so damn comfy.
It’s a far cry from the kind of life I thought I wanted, but now I’ve painted the picture, I can’t imagine having ever wanted anything different.
I’ve chosen this track by Emancipator because it points me in a very specific direction. I can see the landscape the music paints, and it makes me want to not only go there, but be there. I think there’s a very important distinction between those two words, the same kind of distinction you might draw between existing and living. It also gives me huge Witcher vibes, specifically of the Skellige Isles, and anything that reminds me of the Witcher is just fine by me.
If you find my work valuable, or you just really like my taste in music, then you can pay what you feel to support me on this journey. That's really all there is to it! Your support means I can focus more energy in this space, and continue the psychodynamic odyssey. All support is appreciated equally & emphatically
About the curator - Matt Jenko
Hi my name is Matt, but my friends call me Matt. I’m on the wrong side of 29 (damn I hate it every time I have to update that number), definitely feeling my age, but never felt happier and more content than I do at this point in my life. I’ve been through some rocky patches (who hasn’t) and lived to tell the tale, and boy do I gots some stories.
When I’m not giving opinions absolutely nobody asked for, I’m doing a worldbuilding with my passion project, vivaellipsis. If you like offbeat nonsense delivered through immersive escapism, then go and get involved. Or don’t, I’m not telling you what to do. I’m not yer boss.
I’m a simple man with simple interests. I like Yorkshire tea, the sound of rain on the window, and a bloody good story.
9 August 2021
What today’s insight has granted me is the knowledge that if you don’t check in on yourself, you’ll lose touch with yourself. You’ll become unfamiliar with each other, and it feels very strange. I honestly think this is what it means to feel out of sorts.
27 May 2021
The cinematic score to your psychological journey with Matt Jenko. Featuring artists like: Bonobo • Yotto • Emancipator • CamelPhat • ODESZA • Carpenter Brut • Tinlicker • Four Tet • Jacques Greene • Tchami • RÜFÜS DU SOL