I feel very uncentered at the moment.
I’m in this strange state where my experience of days feels detached, like they aren’t really happening. I have an abyssal pressure weighing on me that I don’t really understand; all I know is that it’s coming from within somewhere, and it feels like it’s not really fair.
The fact that I can’t sleep at the moment is either the cause of or the result of this pressure, but when the ouroboros eats it’s own tail it doesn’t really matter — oblivion is inevitable regardless of the origin. I tried a visualisation strategy where I try and pick individual voices out from the cacophonous brain chatter and listen to what they’re saying, trying to talk to them to give them some reprieve. But for some reason they don’t want to entertain my suggestions. So even my own consciousness doesn’t want to listen to me.
So how do I resolve an issue that feels amorphous and nebulous? Well if I knew that I wouldn’t need to write this, so here we find ourselves. I feel like I’m on the cusp of a new phase of life, which is something I’ve been building to for ages and the closer I get, the more the endpoint feels like it shrinks. It’s scary to think what the other side will look like, but I’m having immense trouble getting there. I don’t even care what the landscape across the fold will be like. I just know I have to see it and deal with it. I can’t stay on this side of the wall, I’ll explode.
There are things that prickle the concern that really shouldn’t do. I feel like my tolerance for novelty has receded, to the point where things that are familiar are getting cognitized as unfamiliar, and my zone of safety becomes smaller and I become more territorial over it as a result. Three weeks away from work has made me ‘forget’ the acclimatisation I’d built up to it to the point where the prospect of returning tomorrow gives me the dreads. It’s such a comfy job as well, I have to real reason to feel this way about it, but I do and I can’t argue with myself.
So this has really just been a mess of a piece. Think of it as a stream of consciousness, an examination of the pieces of thoughts that lie scattered about the ol’ mindscape. I’m sure I’ll be fine, but for now I’m not. Accepting that is part of life I guess.
Still sucks though.
I feel like Bear Hug by Lane 8 really conveys a sense of feeling constricted; there’s a real vibe of intense pressure to it, quite as if one were actually in a bear hug. And since my mind feels like it’s being doing a number on me lately it feels rather fitting. So there we go. Enjoy.
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About the curator - Matt Jenko
Hi my name is Matt, but my friends call me Matt. I’m on the wrong side of 29 (damn I hate it every time I have to update that number), definitely feeling my age, but never felt happier and more content than I do at this point in my life. I’ve been through some rocky patches (who hasn’t) and lived to tell the tale, and boy do I gots some stories.
When I’m not giving opinions absolutely nobody asked for, I’m doing a worldbuilding with my passion project, vivaellipsis. If you like offbeat nonsense delivered through immersive escapism, then go and get involved. Or don’t, I’m not telling you what to do. I’m not yer boss.
I’m a simple man with simple interests. I like Yorkshire tea, the sound of rain on the window, and a bloody good story.
9 August 2021
What today’s insight has granted me is the knowledge that if you don’t check in on yourself, you’ll lose touch with yourself. You’ll become unfamiliar with each other, and it feels very strange. I honestly think this is what it means to feel out of sorts.
27 May 2021
The cinematic score to your psychological journey with Matt Jenko. Featuring artists like: Bonobo • Yotto • Emancipator • CamelPhat • ODESZA • Carpenter Brut • Tinlicker • Four Tet • Jacques Greene • Tchami • RÜFÜS DU SOL